Question by Sheri H: What’s your opinion of my 20yr old son’s letter to my parents defending me to my parents, his grandparents?
1 1/2 yrs ago I was involved in a volatile arguement w/my 48yr sis w/me remaining calm & having to leave. She called our parents, my husband & kids blaming me for the incident trying to get them to side w/her which my parents did. Due to everything being said about his family & seeing how devastated I was that they’d take sides, he wrote them a letter but decided not to send it. I begged him to, never imagining they’d lash out at him ripping their own grandson apart being that they were best friends & inseparable. They ridiculed him & demanded he apologize to his aunt. He would’ve but felt they owed us an apology for their inappropriate actions & words as well. They refused. I see how much he misses them & decided I’d be a better person & try to reconcile w/my sis. Recently he’s made attempts to make amends but is told it’s not good enough. He explained he was emotionally distraught while writing his letter indicated he said some things he didn’t mean cuz he was frustrated. They say his letter is unforgivable & it’ll take a lot of apologizing to my sister B4 they’ll consider having a relationship w/him again. What’s your opinion of his letter?
Grandma & Grandpa,
This is not an easy letter to write to two people I care so much about. Before I say anything more I want you guys to know that I have struggled with the thought of writing such a letter for not just the past few weeks. But also for the past few months. I am unaware of what consequences this might bring about, but as long as you remember that I love you and would never intend to hurt you, than I can only hope this will not affect your love for me.
You guys have established a set of morals and values that has been the basis and foundation of family your since you first had my Uncle Jerry. Raising your children thru tough love, combined with a ‘be the best you can be’ attitude, has essentially impacted an entire network of family members reaching out to us kids and hopefully our own kids to come in the future. That is special. That is priceless. But most of all, that is respect.
Adolf Hitler once said, “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”
Lying–grandpa and grandma– is one sure thing you made your children aware of from a very young age. It is God’s commandment not to lie. “Thou shall not bear false witness”. No one is perfect. Surely, I am not. If there is anyone who has lived, there lives close to that impossible feat– its you guys.
Let me begin by saying… I love my Aunt Kay. Family blood is family blood. You look to your family for love and support. She has given me both from the time I came into this world. However, I cannot sit back any longer and allow my mother to receive this kind of treatment from her sister and parents.
Again, I assume responsibility for my chosen words–and stick by them wholeheartedly.
My mom and Kay struggle getting along. We all know this, its no mystery. With that being said I have watched my mom take the full bearing of each argument they have had as if it were “Cinderella” on the big screen. Very few people have seen the same side to my Aunt Kay that I have. The side that belches in public and honks and screams at bystanders through the streets of Scottsdale. The “fun” side, which I consider the “hey! look at me!” side. Attention. We all know she thrives on it. This can be positive and negative in nature. But that is not the side that concerns me. Ultimately, it is the “malicious” side. I have seen it once in my life and I hope I never have to see it again. You know it was bad when a 4th grader decides that he never wants to speak or see his Aunt ever again after an argument she had with his mom. Pretty strong feelings to have for such a young lad. With time and my mothers wishes of me, I got over that incident. “That incident” being the day my sisters were at school and my mom and Aunt Kay got into a fight at my house. I have been around a lot of drama in my life but that might top it. Aunt Kay should have gotten an Academy Award for her acting performance that afternoon. She was crazy! No other words to describe it. I haven’t even seen any drunk college students behave that way.
That day she called you guys and you had to rush up to our house from Renton. While at our house, the story she came up with brought out such strong feelings in me that I cannot forget them to this day. My mother had not been aggressive with her that day. If anything, it was the other way around. But who took the fall? Who got in trouble? My mom. Do not even deal the cards to her because my mother will loose no matter what hand she has been given. Yet my mother still holds love in her heart. She will pass on someday having made her mark on the world, a mark that has seemingly gone unnoticed. She will forever put herself before others, even those outside of her family.
If there is one thing I have learned from my Uncle Charles or even you Grandpa, it’s that
you stand your ground. You do not let others belittle you or make you feel like you are inadequate. In addition, you do it with honor and dignity. It takes a man to walk away from a fight. Uncle Charles learned that from you. He took crap for years from his boss and it brings tears to my eyes just remembering the pain it brought him that is visible on his face every time he speaks of it. But he remained strong and true to himself. I know he knows that he is a better person for the way he handled that situation. I learned from it and walked away from three fights last year. And those kids have nothing but respect for me now. I used Uncle Charles as my example. Then, I passed that strength on to my mom. So let me tell you what did happen between Kay and my mother.
Aunt Kay had too much to drink. She started talking poorly about my sister and for the love of God! my mom asked her nicely to stop. Hallelujah!!! I have heard so much about my sister Shelly that I have wanted to scream in
frustration. I love my sister. Always have. Always will. We have not been the closest of the bunch. But by golly I stand by her recognizing her as a very special individual with her own display of special talents. She is smart. She is beautiful and she is spiritual. Everyone has their own set of beliefs. She should not be judge by anyone–especially Aunt Kay. The day after Thanksgiving, I sat there on the couch for two hours listening to Aunt Kay talk about my sister. I didn’t have the guts to tell her to stop for fear of her getting upset. So! Thank you Lord that you finally gave my mother the strength to speak up for not only me, but my sister Nikki, my dad, and most importantly–Shelly.
So Aunt Kay goes haywire. Go figure! Tells my mom that she is ungrateful and only uses her. She tells her to leave! My mom grabs her stuff without lashing out back at her or raising her voice. Unbelievable for my mom, huh? I did not believe it either until she swore on my life–something I know
she would never do had she been lying. She said that she took my advice on how to handle Aunt Kay and simply walked away. Aunt Kay got worse as I knew she would if my mom were to ever do that. She followed my mom outside and pushed her from behind screaming at her–drunk in the middle of the road. My mom had half a margarita so she obviously was not intoxicated. Had I been there I would have called law enforcement to report domestic violence on Kay. And I am serious. I have seen my mom get bullied by her younger sister for far too long. Maybe my mom was in the wrong in past arguments between them, but not this time! I had a guy spit in my face. Another guy cough in my face when he had pink eye. And been yelled at many a time. But what aggravates these people is when you do not respond to them. They behave that way for one obvious reason. They are trying to get a rise out of you. If you do nothing it only makes them more upset. This was the case with Aunt Kay.
So what is the relevance of the quote from Hitler at the beginning of the letter? Aunt Kay was in the wrong. Completely. Not slightly. Completely. Knowing this who does she run to like every other time something goes on– you guys–leaving my mom to be isolated from the two people that brought her into this world. Aunt Kay lied, plain and simple. She broke the family value you guys instilled in her as a child. Now above all I want you guys to know that my mother did not hold me to this letter. In fact she will surely be upset with me for writing to you guys. I am doing this because it hurts me–absolutely hurts me– to hear that you guys haven’t contacted her since the incident. Its like you want nothing to do with her! Your own daughter. All because Aunt Kay put on another Broadway act. If she won’t level the playing field and let the truth be known, than I will put my relationship with you guys on the line to do so. Ultimately, you will believe what you want. But if my mom swears on
my life–the first time ever– that she did not even raise her voice let alone say a curse word to Aunt Kay and just walked away that night– than I stand by her. Aunt Kay has been favored for far too long and I want nothing to do with her until she can take responsibility for her actions and admit she has lied to you guys. And she is lucky because if I was there, she would have spent that night in jail. I dare her to talk to Uncle James about his daughter or whoever it is having the problems and see how he responds. She would not cross that line with him. Who is she to repeatedly cross that line with my mom–over and over again.
Again I just wish you could treat my mom better. Or at least try. For hers and our kids sake. No one likes to hear there kids talked about in a negative manner. But this is just a letter. My mom has heard about Shelly for over two years now.
My mom is a good person and she did the right thing this time in how she handled Aunt Kay’s abuse. Based off of
what I have seen from her in my lifetime–it looks like Aunt Kay fooled you guys again. It is all perspective. It is all relevant. It is all the truth.
THANK YOU in advance for your help in answering my question. It requires a lot of patience I know. I am very grateful for your time.
Please can anyone else add their positive thoughts? I didn’t realize 1/2 my son’s letter was erased & didn’t transfer so I’ve added the rest. I’m new at this so I appreciate your patience. Do you think it would be a good idea to share your responses w/my son? I think it would make a big difference & help him to lift his spirits – hearing that other people took the time to give their unbiased opinions. He’s ALWAYS been an outstanding, focused, goal oriented & ambitious kid always looking out for others & working hard to make his grandparents & family proud of him. He doesn’t deserve to be chastised as he’s been. Thanks much. God bless.
Answer by ABCD
you raised your son right. what a beautiful thing he did.
It sounds to me like you’re very loyal and so is he. that can be good, but it can also be destructive to you. You defend people, so he has learned to defend, too. That is admirable but it is not functional in this situation. Your son has nothing to apologise for. He did a noble thing. If his grandfolks and his aunt want nothing to do with him because of his values then they are denying themselves a great gift in life. He isn’t losing a thing. (I know he feels like he is)
He needs your support and unconditional love. He needs to stand up for himself and quit apologising. People take advantage of you if you are willing to accept blame even when it isn’t yoru fault. That’s what is going on here. Don’t allow him to be a doormat.
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